Stuck

Feeling a little stuck in a rut; a little dizzy on the merry go round.
I think I'm trying too hard at EVERYthing in my life. Trying to fix our finances, friendships, my marriage, my relationship with God. Im trying to fix and figure out me and my PURPOSE on this planet.
Im learning of HUGE confidence issues. Silly seeing I worked so hard to get to here and I almost feel worse.
I am one person with only so much energy to go around and all this is starting me pull at me and take me so far away from my goal to begin with.
Each day it is a constant tug at my heart, my soul, my very being.

I dont know how to chill. I dont know how to let it flow. I dont know how to be still in the moment and give my worries to God.
I am here in the flesh, human, and feeling so lost amoungst everything.

Yesterday was a horrible day for me. I woke up feeling helpless, useless, in-adequate of all. Feeling unwanted, not needed, and not wanting to do anything. So that is exactly what I did. NOTHING! For hours I did nothing. Then when everyone was home from their day I snapped out of it and became a helpful body and helped Tanner with his homework, fixed dinner, and even showered and ran to the store for a few things.
Then the evening drew and to bed I went at 8:30p. :( I had a pity party yesterday.

So today I sit and I look at how I was yesterday and know that isnt me. That isnt who I am or want to be. So why did I allow it to consume me? I cant answer that other then it is too much to handle some days. I am ashamed that I reacted that way. But, I am real in admitting it.

I desire so much. Maybe too much. But, hey we are allowed to dream. Dreams are Hope. Which is what yesterday was supposed to be. I was supposed to awaken with Hope and I woke in so much pain and depression and I allowed it to control me.

I am not perfect
I will make mistakes
I will have days where I will wallow in my own self pity & (blog about it)
I will continue reaching out to those I love even when they dont care to hear me
I will continue to be ME