I'm beginning to feel the yo yo effect coming back. It is starting to freak me out and in mad panic I am reaching out and trying to get a grasp before I loose myself and go into a slump all over again.
Funny how life is always giving you twists and turns and really things are exactly the same but yet feel so different.
Its really how I am coping and dealing with things that is changing again.
But, why?

Our life has been in this storm now for 2 years and the first 6 months was the grief and just pure shock of things. Then we went into some anger and feelings of hopelessness as we struggled severely financially.
Then I had some months of calm. We made some changes and finally started to settle into life as it is and I felt we were starting to recover. Not change but heal.
Then the last month or so things have started to go downhill again. I have started back in with feelings of anger, bitterness, hurt, and just plain sad.

Why though? I can only explain it as hope that things will go up and when they don't I start to see future struggle cause frankly we cant stay this way. We can only survive like this for so long before something snaps. I think when UN expected expenses arose the panic set in again and now trying to recover and get back to settle again Ive realized settle isn't good enough. I don't want to settle.
I want more and its not just money. I want my relationships to grow. My marriage, my kids, my friends, me and they aren't.

I feel defeated and so upset that I just cant seem to throw all this worry to the Lord and move on. WHY? What holds me back and makes me so weak?